In the third of four definitions, Merriam-Webster describes respect as “high or special regard.” Such a simple definition for a word so loaded with social and cultural baggage.  I’ve been in a long, complicated relationship with the concept of respect for years.  Respect is a value I’ve stood by, challenged and demanded during various stages in my life.  It wasn’t until recently though that I really attempted to, in the iconic words of Aretha Franklin, “find out what it means to me.” This article is a result of my self-exploration.

The Rules of Respect are Arbitrary

Growing up, showing respect meant following a laborious set of rules.  It was something I was required to do for others, specifically elders, through a series of trivial and non-trivial actions.  Addressing my elders as aunty and uncle was the most natural of them all. But showing respect also meant answering in Tamil when spoken to in the same, even if my answers would end up terse and bland, limited by my vocabulary.  And as I grew older and realized the difference between the respectful and familiar forms of pronouns and verbs (formally known as linguistic honorifics), I grew increasingly hesitant to speak, and my communication with certain aunties and uncles was reduced to head bobs and sheepish grins lest I get it wrong.  Because, yes, respect was a sort of exam that, if I wasn’t careful, I could easily fail.  And I was not a kid that was OK with failing.

Rules of respect were a strong source of cultural conflict in my teen years.  There were days when I’d feel proud of my ability to view my elders as experienced and wise, rather than as mere adversaries to my freedom.  But there were also days when I hated feeling so different from my peers, who were comfortable addressing teachers and my parents (to their horror) by their first name, without wincing in anticipation of a reprimand. 

It wasn’t until I was visiting India regularly as a young adult that I was struck by the inequity with which respect is offered to elders.  I noticed children calling maids by first name, and elderly drivers being addressed with informal pronouns while young son-in-laws got formal treatment, and ultimately realized that these rules of respect did not automatically and uniformly apply to everyone based on their age at all.  In fact, they ruthlessly emphasized the idea that some people were simply not worthy of respect.

The Right to Respect is not Guaranteed

While giving respect was a core tenet of my upbringing, earning respect was the north star.  My father grew up as the youngest child of a large, poor family that had often faced ridicule and condescension from richer members of the community.  In fact, his only supposedly redeeming and respectable quality was his upper caste birth, but this hardly helped when dealing with his rich uncle and cousins of the same caste.  As his older siblings dropped out of school early to start working and providing for the family, they continued to support the younger ones through school, and my father developed a strong, almost vengeful ambition to pursue the highest academic degree possible, eventually moving to Delhi to complete his Ph.D. in biochemistry, and UC San Francisco for a post-doctoral research position.  He carried this conviction further for his daughters, always encouraging us not to stop learning until we had the most advanced degree – so that no one would have any choice but to respect us. 

His words inspired me from a young age.  I knew I wanted a Ph.D. long before I had any idea what I wanted to do with it.  And while the six years I spent doing graduate research at UC Berkeley are still a highlight of my life that I wouldn’t trade for anything, the fact is, even with a Ph.D. in hand, respect has been far from automatic.  It rarely is for anyone, but especially not for women of color who look different, whose accent might be different, even whose names sound different from the norm.

So should we just keep forcing ourselves into harder work, bigger achievements, fancier titles, and higher heels, until one day the world deems us worthy of respect?  Though this approach has all the workings of a losing battle, many of us still default to it.  As a leadership coach, I work with clients who want to speak up more in meetings to gain the respect of their colleagues, or who spend all night crunching data to back up their already sound perspectives to make sure people will respect their opinions.  While I admire their ambition and drive, there is a fundamental problem in the “I-need-them-to-respect-me” mindset because we are willingly placing the gavel in the hands of the people whose judgment we seek.  And since it’s rare that someone looks us in the eye and says “I respect you” we weave our own stories about their actions and gestures as signs that we have or have not earned their respect.  What a glorious waste of precious energy for a rather underwhelming outcome.

The fact is, whether others believe we are worthy of respect in most cases has very little to do with us.  It has everything to do with their system of beliefs, the rules they follow blindly, the rules they’ve challenged, and the rules they’ve intentionally rewritten.  We simply have no idea where they are on their journeys.

Respect, Re-imagined

If the rules that determine who we respect are simply arbitrary social constructs, then whose standard are we working so hard to meet?  Our generation has an opportunity to consciously intervene in this cycle.  We can extend our own rules of respect beyond class, age, sex, race, title, education and profession, and simply respect everyone for their struggle, for their untold stories under the hood.

And, as we too deal with our own many struggles, rather than fixate on the passive, receiving-end of respect, we can focus on the proactive, giving-end of inspiration.  By letting go of our concern and expectation that others respect us, we can leverage what is entirely within our power – our ability to inspire. The countless women and especially women of color before us who have been chipping away at sociocultural barriers (including the recent example of Vice President Kamala Harris) have constantly faced harsh, demeaning remarks and criticism.  Yet, this does not discount their success; rather, it’s outweighed by the fact that their stories inspire generations of women to speak their truth, break new ground and dream beyond limits. 

We can look at our own journeys with the same wider lens.  Each experience we have, each conflict we face, each decision we make with courage and confidence is an opportunity to inspire someone else to step further toward their dreams.  Just like our own journeys are so deeply intertwined with those of our parents, our mentors, and other women of color who have paved the path for us, our own thoughts and actions impact generations who are witness to our struggle.  We have the choice to let go of our rules of how to show and be shown respect, and instead lean into our innate ability to inspire each other.  Respect will follow from those who are ready.