We all know women like this: a powerhouse career, two gorgeous kids, well-toned body, time for the book club, the gym, the theater, date nights with her spouse and glamorous vacations. We look at these women in deep envy, all the more now that we have a full view of their latest exploits on Facebook…what used to be an occasional exchange of weekend activities passing in the hallway is now ever-present in our consciousness.
Why can’t the rest of us be like that? What magic potion are they drinking? I came to the conclusion, having spoken to some and read about others, that these women don’t need, or get, much sleep. And I certainly do. But it doesn’t stop me from feeling vaguely inadequate about not “doing it all, having it all, all the time”.
It is interesting that the American constitution proclaims that all men (and presumably all women) should have equal rights: Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness. Note, not “Happiness”, but the “Pursuit of Happiness”. Does that set us up to strive ceaselessly for that elusive goal of Happiness? Does it decree a life spent going after the Holy Grail, being the Perfect Woman, which by implication will finally make us happy?
I read recently that happiness is 90% about what you make of your circumstances, i.e. most of it comes from within, not from the outside. You frequently hear about all the benefits of mindfulness and living in the moment. These observations lead me to the conclusion that, perish the thought, maybe one doesn’t need to have it all. What you do need is the ability to look at your own life and think about what works, and what you can be happy about.
An analogy I am very fond of is the cow in the English meadow. In British children’s books, there is often a cow in a green meadow, with a stream going through it, and a sunny sky above. The cow is happy, it radiates bovine peacefulness. There may be more exciting pastures beyond the meadow to explore, and it does rain sometimes, but the cow doesn’t worry about it. It is busy enjoying the life it has.
If you think about those superwomen and supermen who seem to have it all, remember the question asked of people nearing the end of life: “What do you wish you’d done differently with your life?” Usually the answer is about spending more time with family and friends, less time at the office, or sometimes less time cleaning the house.
So what if you define happiness not as something you achieve when you become superwoman, but something that is about the everyday successes and good-feeling moments? Your latest project at work launched successfully, your kid told you a great joke (or not such a great joke, but you love to hear her laugh), the last-minute dinner you pulled off means a happy group of friends got together, so what if you ordered take-out and ate off plastic plates? Sure, you have stacks of Business Week or the latest business best-seller that you mean to read one day, but if US Weekly or People magazine gives you a little mindless entertainment, go for it!
I am not suggesting that striving to do better and achieve more is a bad thing. I hear most Type A personalities get ahead because of deep insecurities that they are trying to overcome. I am suggesting that you should not make yourself unhappy, or less happy, because looking forward to “what might be” diminishes your satisfaction in “what already is”.
I propose to you that it’s not really about having it all…no one truly does. It’s about learning and recognizing that life is pretty good after all, and sure, sometimes you compromise to make it all work, but that’s just fine, after all, you and I (and everyone else, however glossy their lives seem) are only human. I am not saying it is easy to figure out the compromise, but as they say, life is like a blanket that is just a little too short. “You pull it up and your toes rebel, you yank it down and shivers meander about your shoulder; but cheerful folks manage to draw their knees up and pass a very comfortable night.”
Image courtesy: Maryann Kikerpill
Originally published on LinkedIn
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Author Bio:
Chitra Nayak has 25+ years of experience across companies spanning technology, financial services, and management consulting. Ms. Nayak is on the boards of public companies Infosys, Invitae & Forward Air, and private companies GetInsured and UrbanFootprint. Ms. Nayak is a Senior Advisor at BCG and also advises startups on Go-To-Market. Most recently she was COO running GTM at Comfy, a real-estate tech startup, and also was formerly COO at Funding Circle, an online SMB lending marketplace. She was at Salesforce.com for eight years, as COO of Platform and SVP Sales Development, and prior to that was at AAA, Charles Schwab, and the Boston Consulting Group. Chitra has always had a passion for empowering women in the workplace. She is a co-founder of the Salesforce Women’s Network and is now the cofounder of Neythri.org, a community for the uplift of South Asian professional women. She co-created the “Women in Leadership” program at California State University, East Bay. Chitra has an MBA from Harvard Business School, an MS in Engineering from Cornell, and a BS from IIT-Madras.
