This coming Monday, I will be starting a new job leading Sales & Support Operations at an emerging tech company…while also being 30 weeks pregnant. The path to making this major change while quickly progressing towards another one, in a year that also brought us a global pandemic, was not easy. Yet, not enough is written about these intersections at which women often find themselves: choosing between family and their careers (as I discovered in my own search for “what’s best”). So with that in mind, I hope that through my musings here, other women who find themselves in a similar situation have one additional data point encouraging them to potentially chase both dreams.
(Caveat: These are my opinions only, and may not apply to all situations, but I hope it gets people thinking and talking more on the topic. I’m also deeply aware of the position of privilege I come from in affording some of these choices. So, I dedicate this to the women and families who have had to or will make far more difficult choices to ensure the best for their babies and young children 🙏🏽.)
Here we go:
Time can still be on your side when you’re pregnant & considering a new job.
I entered 2020 determined that this would be the year that I’d “shoot for the stars” with my career. I’d survived ~6 months as a working parent with our first son, and was more encouraged than ever that I could push myself to take on expanded scope and responsibilities.
I started doing some exploration on what I might want to do (with the help of an amazing coach!), but it all came to a bit of a halt in early summer when we found out we were pregnant with #2. All of a sudden, I felt the window of opportunity closing on me for reasons that I then thought were absolute truths:
“Absolute” Truth #1:
I must spend at least 6 months on a job to build credibility and feel comfortable before I can go on maternity leave – i.e. working backwards from my due date, I HAD to start a new job by August, and therefore pretty much be actively interviewing RIGHT NOW!
“Absolute” Truth #2:
Beyond my own comfort level on the job, no company would want to hire someone who needs to go on maternity leave within a few months of joining.
Of course, life has now taught me neither is necessarily true, but try rationalizing that with a hormonal pregnant woman, managing a full time job during a pandemic, alongside parenting an increasingly rambunctious toddler. Thankfully for me, a few someones did make that attempt.
As I talked this out with a few close confidants, a key theme kept repeating in their advice: “What evidence do you have that these “truths” are absolute?”. Between my ifs, buts, and “you just don’t get it”, it kept coming back to this point, helping me eventually re-shape my framing of the problems.
In early October, despite the shrinking timeline towards my due date, I took some early calls with a few inbound opportunities that aligned well with my career goals. As they say, one step led to another, and soon I was in full blown interview cycles with these companies, and fortunately, shortly after, in a position to make some choices amongst them.
So, tip #1
If you are rationalizing yourself out of a situation that could move you forward, ask yourself (or have people you trust ask you): “What evidence do you have that your mental models of what “must be” are truly absolute?” Maybe they are…but maybe they aren’t.
Root your decisions in your values, and surround yourself with people who align with them.
During my early exploration of “what next”, my coach had me work through an exercise listing my “top 10 values”. The goal was to explicitly lay out what mattered for me in a job and career, and therefore, to use it as a guide to ensure whatever I did next (be it to stay put or go) was well-aligned with my personal happiness and satisfaction.
It’s truly become one of the most important tools in my bag. Going through rigorous interview processes with multiple companies is challenging in the best of times, let alone when you are late in your second trimester, and feeling all sort of physical discomforts (try talking for 3 hrs non-stop while feeling like you have the lung capacity of someone who just ran 10 miles). So for me, making this big change had to “be worth it”. I had little interest in putting myself in a situation where I was doing a fast ramp up pre-baby, taking a shorter maternity leave, and feeling all sorts of anxiety about not having established enough of a foundation, with a company that was misaligned with my values and what was important to me.
As a result, I was bolder than I’d ever been in asking my future employers all the questions that mattered to me – ranging from compensation, to diversity, to the hiring manager’s decision making style, etc. I even had a very honest conversation with the person who’d become my manager, explicitly discussing specific values that mattered to me most and how they jived with her way of thinking. I will admit though that it wasn’t always easy to broach these topics so directly, but certainly well worth it at the end.
So, tip #2
If you can afford it, don’t short change yourself into thinking you HAVE to take a certain job or the terms they give you because you are limited in your choices as a pregnant woman. Pregnancy should not take away your leverage to negotiate and get what you want.
To tell or not to tell? Tell…it almost always works
Do you or do you not tell a prospective employer that you are pregnant? And if so, when is the right time?
This was one of the hardest questions I dealt with. What is legally right vs. morally right? Also what do you do in this temporary (hopefully!) world where interviews are often over video and no one can visibly see that you’re pregnant?
It was pretty hard to get good information on this topic on the internet (which is a big part of why I was inspired to write this), so I also conferred with a few female friends who had gone through similar experiences. What bubbled to the top was that legally, most employers cannot discriminate against you for being pregnant (i.e. cannot withdraw your offer upon learning you’re pregnant). However, the advice on when to tell was all over the place, ranging from “right away” to “don’t say anything until you have an offer or are past negotiations.”
I ultimately tried it a couple of different ways, and found it most helpful being upfront about my pregnancy, especially since I was much further along. Going back to the previous section, a core value for me surrounds family & friends, and it was important for me to work with an employer that understood and accommodated natural life events such as having a child. It was also important for me to start off my relationship with a future manager on a trusted note.
To my pleasant surprise, most of the companies I chatted with were extremely supportive of my circumstances. They emphasized that they were very much looking for a long-term partnership, and cared deeply about their employees bringing their “whole selves” to work. A refreshing change to the often negative discourse we otherwise hear about progress for working mothers.
A couple others weren’t able to accommodate my circumstances, which I can understand, and being upfront about this saved both sides time and effort in discovering our mismatch much later in the process.
So, tip #3
Hot take from me is that you are better off being upfront and honest with a prospective employer that you’re pregnant. It will ultimately come out, and it’s better to know early whether it’s a good fit, and quite honestly, get it out of the way so that it’s not hanging over your head during negotiations.
Don’t be shy to ask for help (or invest resources in it if you can).
My experience this year exploring my values and career opportunities was thoroughly enriched and guided by several people. Without these individuals, I would not have been pushed on my thinking and encouraged to take chances that I otherwise would not have. So the success in finding my “next play” (and right in the nick of time with 2020 coming to a fast close) is at least a bit theirs as it is mine 🙌🏽.
The biggest challenges are however not over. I still have to start a new job, remotely, while only moving into the tougher parts of my pregnancy, and eventually giving birth and caring for a newborn. Whereas during my first pregnancy, I was able to take 6 months of maternity leave, this time around I’ve chosen to take a shorter period of time initially.
Knowing that the next 3-4 months are going to be pure madness, my husband and I also had a very frank conversation about how we’re going to make it all work, especially given he is just about to start something new as well. And here’s where we’ve made the personal choice to “get help any which way we can” (i.e. get parental help, food delivery, house cleaning, night nurse, etc.).
This is definitely one area where I’m extremely cognizant of the privileged position I’m in to be able to access help and also take advantage of the family & friends support system we have. This is certainly not the case for many out there, especially during a major global crisis, where employment can be precarious. I’m just grateful.
So, tip #4
Be shameless about asking for help where you can!
Be Brave. Be Happy. No Regrets.
So much of what I’ve mentioned is easier said than done, and each individual’s circumstances can be so different from the other. But I hope through writing about my one experience that a handful of you reading this, especially pregnant women, are encouraged to break away from some of the fears that being pregnant can bring on when crafting your careers. And for those who are in positions where you are able to influence hiring policies and decisions, I do hope you are also encouraged to take the “long-term” bet on smart, capable women, who are otherwise simply going through a very natural life event.
Thank you for reading!
Author Bio Shriya Ravikumar is an Operations leader at Front, who loves bringing to life initiatives for go-to-market functions. She currently lives in San Francisco with her husband and 2-year-old son. In her free time, Shriya enjoys traveling (pre-COVID of course), and is trying hard to read at least one book per month.
Originally published on Linkedin.
댓글